


The Way We Really Are

by hops



Series: the only life you could save [12]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Life talks, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 03:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13378788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hops/pseuds/hops
Summary: Kravitz and Taako talk about what it means to be good.





	The Way We Really Are

**Author's Note:**

> So this connects back to [Find the One Safe Way](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13238166), where Lucretia tells Taako, "you're still good." Combined with Justin's "Taako's not a good person, though," from Suffering Game. Aka, have a feeling I guess. 
> 
> Title from ["Against Pollution](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCttPrQMtpw) by The Mountain Goats (as usual)

_(We will recognize each other_   
_And see ourselves for the first time_   
_The way we really are)_

* * *

 

Taako’s quiet. Kravitz doesn’t mind much; he figured the past few days — the talk with Lucretia, the graduation, the cleanup after — had wiped him out. So they’d opted for cuddles. Spring’s slow burn into summer allowed for open windows and skin on cool skin without complaint. 

Taako lays on his side, his cheek pressed to Kravitz’s chest. Outside, crickets chirp as a few birds sing goodnight in the trees above. Kravitz likes this mortal life. It’s moments like these that feel the most beautiful. 

He runs his fingers lightly through Taako’s golden hair. He wears it shorter now than when they first met. He cranes down and kisses the top of Taako’s head softly, lingering to inhale the smell of him. Flowers, today. Soft, and spice. Taako shifts closer. His arm, draped across Kravitz’s abdomen, tightens slightly. 

“What’s on your mind, my love?” 

Taako hums dismissively. “Nothin’ at all. Can’t a guy just get some snug time in peace?” 

“Of course you can,” Kravitz says softly. He’s not convinced, not by any stretch, but if these years with Taako have taught him anything, it’s not to push. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready. 

They fall back into their silence. As he trails his fingers down Taako’s spine, feeling the small knot of each vertebrae beneath his soft warm skin, he lets his mind wander backwards. Things have changed so much, so radically since he first confronted those three adventurers in young Miller’s lab. Multiple times. And here they are, finally home, finally… here. Angus, just a child when they’d met, finally done with school; at least, this degree. The young man has so much learning left to do, so much more he plans to accomplish. And Kravitz knows that he’ll do all of it, and so much more.

Taako is so fond of him. And so is he, just as much, in his own way. He can’t explain the pride that swelled in his chest as Angus had crossed the stage to accept his diploma. The feeling that had overwhelmed him as he watched him throw his arms around Taako. This boy that they’d raised, all of them had raised, after everything they’d been through, who had come to mean the world to them all.

And, for once, for the first time, he’d seen Taako look on without malice as Magnus and Lucretia held Angus, too. He’d only looked… sad. Or something like it. Some look Kravitz didn’t quite recognize. 

He wonders what they’d talked about, he and Lucretia. What had shifted that day in the kitchen. 

He thinks about the drawings on the countertop. The ones they hadn’t spoken of.

But if these years with Taako had taught him anything, it’s not to push. 

Taako shifts and curls tighter into himself, then hooks a leg over both of Kravitz’s. He’s restless. Kravitz is familiar with his moods, can intuit from his body language that which he won’t usually admit. And tonight, his only instinct is to settle him. Make him feel safe again. 

“Do you know how much I love you?” he offers in earnest. He touches Taako’s cheek, but he doesn’t look up. 

“Hit me with it, my man.” 

Kravitz smiles. 

“I love you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever seen, in all my impossible years,” he murmurs into his hair. “Louder than every tavern song, deeper than the Sea of Souls, more wide and vast than every plane of existence. Anywhere you’ve ever been. Anything you could ever imagine, Taako.” 

Taako laughs quietly and the sound buzzes on Kravitz’s chest. He tries to play it off with a noise of mock disgust, but Kravitz can feel Taako’s cheek burning against his cool skin. 

“Some real poetic shit, huh? If you’re buttering me up to bone, you could just ask.” 

Kravitz chuckles. “No, not this time. Although you know I could never turn down the offer…” He holds Taako a little closer. “I just thought you should know.” 

Taako traces a finger absently over Kravitz’s shoulder, watching it as he goes. He doesn’t say anything for a while. 

“Do you want to sleep, love?” 

“Nah. Not tired.” 

Kravitz hums. 

“I, um…” Taako’s finger stops tracing for a moment, lingering over his collarbone. “I love you too, Krav. Even more.”

“Impossible,” he says softly. 

“Very possible. But don’t ask me for a poem, ‘cause it won’t be pretty.” 

“Never.” 

They fall into another long silence, both of them listening to the crickets’ song. The soft bluish light of the two moons glows through the sheer curtains of the open window. He can’t help the way his mind immediately returns to pondering the graduation, the drawings, the tiny restless shiftings of Taako’s body against his own. He wants to ask, but he can’t, so he doesn’t. 

So he lays there in the quiet and listens to Taako’s breathing. Counts the freckles he can see on his shoulders. Closes his eyes and relishes the feeling of him and thanks every plane and every thread and every work of happenstance that allowed Taako to be the one laying at his side. 

Taako finally settles, and is still for a long time. Kravitz pulls a blanket over them. 

He doesn’t need sleep, but sometimes it’s nice to indulge. Especially on nights like these, comfortable and tangled close. He lets his eyes flutter shut and nestles in against Taako. 

It’s soft. Quiet. 

And then, Taako’s small voice: 

“Do you think I’m good?” 

If Kravitz had to breathe, the question would have stolen the breath from his lungs. Luckily, he doesn’t, so he is still and silent for a beat as he tries to collect his thoughts. 

Of course he’s good. He loves him. He’s his world entire. 

“The best, my dove.” 

He feels Taako cringe against him, holding tight as he recoils at his words. “No not-- not like, the bullshit boyfriend answer.” 

“What makes you think you’re anything less?” 

His heart aches to know that his love, this miracle of fate and coincidence, this flawless, imperfect creature, could think himself anything less than good. Taako sighs, and it’s a beautiful sound. Kravitz thinks, in that moment, that even at his lowest, he is everything, and nothing less. 

“I’m, um.” He stops. “Not exactly the poster boy of doin’ good deeds and shit.” 

Kravitz laughs softly. “Neither am I.” 

“Yeah but you’re— I’unno. It’s stupid.” 

“It’s not. It’s bothering you.” 

“I just… I don’t know who I am when I don’t have you or Maggie or Lup keeping me… from being me?”

Kravitz knits his brow. “What do you mean?” 

There’s a pause. When Taako speaks again, his voice is thick. “I don’t know.” 

Kravitz traces a finger down Taako’s arm, trailing down over his hand before linking their fingers together. 

“I don’t want to keep you from being you,” Kravitz murmurs into his hair. “I love you as you are.”

“Right. ‘Cause that’s who you are, skelly.”

“And who do you think  _ you _ are?” 

Taako falls silent. There’s no restless stirring. He feels near-limp against Kravitz, sunken as a stone in their bed. 

“Taako…” Kravitz tries to put space between them so he can look at him, but Taako clings to him tight to prevent him from doing so. He sighs and settles in closer to him, taking his hand from Taako’s and using it to stroke his cheek gently. “You… you saved the world. This whole plane, everyone we love, they have you and your family to thank.” 

“Yeah. Phandalin. They have us to thank.”

“That’s not…”

“And Armos… they have  _ me  _ to thank.”

“But you—“

“Glamour Springs.”

“Taako—“ 

Taako buries his face in Kravitz’s chest. Kravitz can feel his eyes screw tight against him. 

“I ran…” There’s a thought there that he doesn’t finish. 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He laughs, sounding watery. “Ha, yeah, but I thought it was. And I ran anyway.” 

“You were scared.” 

“Yeah.” He exhales shakily. 

Kravitz wants to tell him that it’s okay if he wants to cry. But Taako will cry when he’s ready. He won’t push. 

“I’m a coward when I don’t have Mags to keep me brave,” he confesses. “And I’m… I… Glamour Springs, Sizzle it Up, those years? That’s me without Lup.  _ That’s  _ who I am.”

“That’s who you are without memories. Without all the growth and love that has made you who you are.” Kravitz lifts Taako’s chin with two fingers and finds him tearful. “Who was I without you, Taako?” 

Taako opens his mouth, then closes it. 

“I pursued you all in the lab. I would have just collected your bounty without question. And then, the world would have been without you. And who would have saved it then?”

“That’s — that’s not the same.” 

“Isn’t it?” he asks. He strokes a thumb over Taako’s cheekbone. He looks so exhausted without his glamour to hide it. “I’m the one responsible for Merle’s arm, if you remember. I impersonated his  _ god.  _ I mean…”

“Well, lucky for you, he still blames Magnus for that,” Taako tries to joke. A tear drips down his cheek and Kravitz promptly wipes it away. 

Kravitz laugh in spite of himself. “I do feel terrible for that. But perhaps it’s best we not remind him.” 

Taako wraps his hand around Kravitz’s wrist and pulls his hand away from his chin. Slowly, he kisses each one of his fingertips.

“Well, Merle got a cool tree arm from god or whatever, and I got you, so it’s okay.” 

“You did, didn’t you?” Kravitz smiles warmly, overwhelmed with fondness, and meets his eyes. “You have me. Always.” 

“Oh, cut the sappy shit,” Taako murmurs, but he can’t hide the tiny smile that comes to play on his lips. 

He lays his head back down and they fall into a comfortable silence. Kravitz cranes his neck to see Taako’s face and finds him there with his eyes closed. Taako’s brow knits slightly, suggesting a train of thought not yet spoken. So he strokes his back in circles, and he waits. 

Taako nuzzles against Kravitz’s shoulder. “You were just doing your job, when we met.” 

“‘Met’ is a generous word for it, darling.” Kravitz takes pause. “And you were just doing yours.” 

“Ha, yeah, cleaning up a mess I didn’t even know was mine, right?” 

Kravitz frowns. “And you did. Need I remind you that you saved —” 

“Yeah, saved the world, got it. Not before we fuckin’ wanged it with the relics, though.” 

Kravitz doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything. 

“Sometimes I just think about it, you know? How fucked up it was.”

Kravitz isn’t sure how to answer. They lay there, perfectly still, and he thinks about Faerun. About the circles of black glass, the uncontrollable storms, the town of peppermint candy. About the story he heard, that everyone heard, about a family who tried their best to save one hundred different worlds, but wound up broken and scattered to the wind. 

“We made those things and we just… put them out there. And it was miserable. Every time we got word, we just…” 

They’d talked about the relics before, but not like this. Not once. Kravitz’s heart aches to imagine what he must have endured.

“I’m so sorry, Taako.”

He laughs, tearful and bitter. “Sorry for  _ us?” _

“You were trying.”

“And we failed. And then Lup went away, trying to put a stop to it, and we looked everywhere, but she was gone, too. And then we just…” 

There hadn’t been much to the story after that. Not that had been recorded, fed to the Voidfish, and broadcasted to him, at least.

“We fell apart. Bar was always up with those fucking maps, Davenport, pacing like an idiot, like that would solve anything. Merle stopped talking for once in his damn life, but it was the one time I ever wanted him to. Magnus tried cheering us up but it was fucking pointless, because we all knew he wasn’t eating or sleeping, either. And Lucy locked herself in herself away in her goddamn room with those journals…”

“And what of you?” 

Taako laughs again, but this time he’s crying. His tears are hot against Kravitz’s skin. He feels Taako’s pain in his bones; the sob Taako lets out crumples his heart with grief. 

“What  _ of _ me? She was gone. Nothing fucking mattered after that. There was nothing  _ left _ of me.” He shakes his head slowly. “And then my memories were gone, too. And then there was nothing left of her.” 

“Oh, dove,” Kravitz breathes. He pries himself from Taako’s iron grasp and takes his face into both his hands, wiping tears away with his thumbs. 

“It’s fine.” Taako tries to shrug Kravitz’s hands away, but he persists. “She’s back now, and we’re cool, and it doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it —” 

“It’s fine. It’s over now, right? Why beat the dead horse, kumbaya, everything is fuckin’ peachy,  _ etcetera _ …”

Kravitz waits until his sentence trails off and locks eyes with him. Taako’s not crying, but his eyes are rimmed red and barely swollen. He looks twice as tired as he had just minutes ago. Kravitz wants, more than anything he’s ever wanted, to ease this pain. 

“It’s over, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.” 

“It kind of does, my dude.” 

“No. If it’s hurting you, it matters.” 

Taako tries to shoot him a stern look, but he lets his head fall slack against the pillow below him. 

“Come here,” Taako nearly whimpers. Kravitz falls for the thousandth time as he lowers himself down and presses nose-to-nose with his boyfriend. Taako moves to kiss him, and he lets him do so only once. Taako pushes forward for more, but Kravitz stops him with a hand on his chest. 

“I would do anything to stop this pain,” Kravitz breathes. 

“This?” 

Taako tries to kiss him once more.

“Love…” 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” 

Kravitz’s heart sinks. “We don’t have to. I just… You know you can trust me with this, right?” 

Taako doesn’t react, laying still against the pillow, staring down at something, anything that isn’t Kravitz.

He thinks he should stop; that he shouldn’t try to push, or Taako will shut down. But seeing him in such pain, seeing him starting to open up and immediately retreating back into himself, it hurts him, too. 

“What happened with Lup, it matters. You should know that it does. The time you spent apart, Taako… of course it hurt. It’s okay if it  _ still  _ hurts.” 

When Taako opens his mouth, his voice is so quiet. “One day she was there, and the next she was gone, and it… it was so miserable. I just… even before my brain was swiss cheese, I was someone else without her, and that fucking  _ scared _ me. It still does, Krav.” 

Tears start to flow faster than Kravitz can catch them. 

“And you — that’s what Luce said too, that it’s okay if I can’t let it go.” Taako tucks his face into his own shoulder so he doesn’t have to look at Kravitz. “That I’m still good if I don’t. But I’m not… Without Lup, I was never good to begin with, so that ship’s fuckin’ sailed, anyway.” 

Kravitz reels. He wants to ask so many questions. Lucretia had said these things to him? 

He thinks about the drawings on the countertop. The ones they hadn’t spoken of. He tries to put it all together, but there’s so much he doesn’t know. 

So he takes Taako’s face in the palm of his hand and holds him fast. 

“You deserve to feel what you feel. Being good or bad has nothing to do with it.” Kravitz closes his eyes and tries to collect himself. “Taako, I love you.  _ So many people _ love you. And you… You love, too. You love me. You are so, so good to me.” 

Tears roll down Taako’s face and Kravitz kisses them away. 

“What did I ever do to deserve that? To deserve you?” 

Taako closes the space between them and wraps himself around Kravitz tight, his face in the crook of his neck. Kravitz knows that he can’t make Taako believe that he’s good. He can’t speak to what Lucretia said to him, days ago. He can only hold him tighter still, breathe the sweet spice of his skin, and tell him the only truth he knows. 

“We’re not good, we’re not bad. We just  _ are,”  _ Kravitz says softly. “And that’s enough for me.” 

Taako’s grip on him loosens and he melts into Kravitz’s arms. They fall into a comfortable silence, Kravitz still ruminating on the things that Taako had said. Outside the window, the crickets chirp calmly. A warm breeze floats the sheer curtains. 

“I’m... glad,” Kravitz murmurs. “That you and Lucretia talked.” 

Taako yawns and nuzzles against him, then sighs. 

“Me too.” 


End file.
